I was just thinking...

Well I am just not the type to doubt myself, no I am not. HOWEVER, it is a tough society, this one. High school in Utah changed my life, literally and 100%. Although I am not sure how I appeared to the people I surrounded myself with I was very...young and extremely anxious. I recognized the difference between the life I was living and the life I wanted and this caused a lot of angst. At the time I wondered if there was something wrong with me. My "friends" were happy, content, and comfortable. I on the other hand insisted on filling my life with clubs, random social circles, petty drama, and unusual experiences so I wouldn't have time to realize how not "me" my life really was.
This throw back has a point, and that is, that even now, 4 years later I look at Facebook photos, blogs, Myspace profiles, of all the people I knew in high school and I have to ask if I've got it wrong. (Insert pep talk that everyone's path is different and we are all following different goals.) I am not kidding when I say that at 22, 80% of my graduating class is probley married. Girls I once called friends are now pregnant and not just with their first kid, they are buying houses, and becoming housewives.
There is nothing wrong with all that and no, it is still not "me" to belong or follow in the path of my surroundings. My friends from East High in Salt Lake City, Utah always thought I was a little bizarre because I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and I didn't aplogize for that or ask anyone permission. I often went missing and hung out with people no one expected. I have def. always marched to my own drum so I don't know why anyone (including me) would be surprised that I am still doing it. Regardless it is not always easy to buck the norm and it does lead me to ask if I am the one whose got it wrong.
And let me just say this haha (here comes the defense) it's not as though I am sitting wondering this in my parents basement with nothing going for me. I am undyingly grateful for all the opportunities that I am given, chances I've taken, life I have lived. I've got a mind blowing job, am almost done with school, and have seen so much I can rarely discuss it. But sometimes when my mind wanders and I see the local masses leading eachother down a path of homemaking and toddlers it makes me wonder.
With all that said...

High School: EAST HIGH SCHOOL


1. Did you date someone from your high school: haha date is a relative term and I will only admit to Jeffrey Hansen


2. What kind of car did you drive? : A big huge black SUV, GMC Envoy.


3. What is your most embarrassing moment in high school? The principle calling my emergency contact and having it be one of the office secretaries sitting outside his office haha.


4. Were you a party animal? Of course.


5. Were you considered a flirt? Not a whole lot of guys interested me at EHS but when they did yeah I am sure I was!


6. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? Choir for a while, there was this really big choir class and it was really cool to be in it cause it was like your entire grade and I got sick of being around everyone after 2 classes and quit.


7. Were you a nerd? Um, I was Debate Team Business Manager so yeah probley.


8. Were you on any varsity teams? No, moving from the East coast to Utah the teams at our school sucked SO BAD that I didn't play anything here really.


9. Did you get suspended/expelled? I definitly got in my fair share of trouble but nothing drastic, I just don't take orders well.


10. Can you still sing the fight song? Absolutly not, I went to every football game because I reported on them but no fight song in memory...


11. Who were your favorite teachers? My biotechnology teacher was inspiring but I don't remember his name...

12. Where did you sit during lunch? I left school as much as possible as fast as possible but I guess wherever my friends were and def not the first floor, that one scared me a lot.

13. School Mascot? Leopards

14. Did you go to homecoming and with who? Yeah I did Junior year was Jake Bowman (I had just moved there and he had NO IDEA what he was getting himself into!) Senior year... I don't think I remember? Sad, but true.

15. If you could go back and do it again, would you? I don't really care haha, I could have enjoyed more I guess and been less angry about moving there but a lot would be the same. It was a really hard time I didn't fit in anywhere in particular and that seemed obvious but I embraced it and enjoyed it.

16. What do you remember most about graduation? I spoke and looked really tan.

17. Where did you go senior skip day? Ha ha I haven't heard that phrase in a while and I don't know home probably.

19. Have you gained weight since then? My junior year I was really small, senior I was average...I've prob grown into my body more but not really gained too much...

20. Who was your prom date? Junior year, no idea haha Senior: Jeffrey Hansen.

21. Are you planning on going to your 10 year reunion? At this point I couldn't say... prob not.

22. Looking back, what advice would you give yourself? Don't be so afraid to rise above.

Old School News

While I was reading the paper today I realized how old school I was with the newspaper in my hands and not on the internet! Nonetheless I was reading the paper (No, not the NYT or the Washington Post, obviously it was Women's Wear Daily) and I read the following stats:

Labor expenses for apperal workers in Vietnam and Pakistan are as low as 38 cents and 37 cents an hour.

Cambodia, 33 cents.

And Bangladesh they dip to 22 cents an hour!

Wow, perspective.

Short Stories: A Happy Medium?

It has been pontificated that short stories are the perfect for of writing. For an array of reasons some of which I agree with and others I am still questioning. However, as a result of the wide spread hypothesis I decided to delve into the world of short stories and test an assortment on my own.

This whole short story fix may be accredited to Jhumpa Lahiri. I think it was 2006 that I read her book Interpreter of Maladies and it was so incredibly honest and moving that it made me wonder if short stories were the perfect medium. The entire book eats you up it consumes you. However it was specifically the story A Temporary Matter that really altered the way I looked at short stories but really writing in general to be honest. Everyone in the world should read that story in an English class. Lahiri takes a gut wrenching relationship and engrosses the reader in small, significant details so completely that you are invested in the lives of her characters. It is as if your sister were the one in the tale, you care so much, Lahiri does not just tell you a story she offers it to you and the reader, any reader takes it and becomes enraptured. It is sad, it is not a happy thing, but it is so honest, it lays every bit out on the table that you mourn in the end, she is just that good. Stop reading this and go read that haha.

Miranda July is a nymph of the arts, to say the least. She was a trailblazer for zine's but more widely recognized for the 2005 opening of "Me and You and Everyone We Know" presented at Sundance and winning an award at Cannes, which July directed, wrote, and cameoed in.
It was however her collection of short stories entitled No One Belongs Here More Than You that both entranced and shocked me. While many writers push the limits as far as they can while remaining marketable and culturally acceptable, Miranda chooses to blur this line as defiantly as possible. The originality of her ideas is enticing and charming, but it is the journey the reader takes with July that pushes readers comfort levels and makes her travelers question and establish their reality. She has talent and explosive imagination but her works are not for the faint of heart, and maybe only for those looking to be alarmed, challanged and moved.

My Next endeavor was to stick to something a little less abrasive and astonishing so I hearded towards The Reasons I Won't Be Coming by Elliot Perlman. Perlman holds the ability in getting in his characters head and really embodying who he is writing about so clearly it is entrancing and enticing. Behind each character is sad and remorseful of an ended relationship, these stories are definite downers.

For example on old man who used to be a professor thinks of a student he once impregnated and laments: "So now I sit here alone, while in your house you make grilled cheese on toast for your children, your husband watches television and inside you something of ours lives." Dramatic, tragic even Perlman handcrafted nine stories that make you feel alive. Not so much invigorated, but more aware of the wearying ability of being human.

At this point I was a believer in the power of the short story but a bit sad and in need of a few good laughs, and to be honest I was wondering if the power this medium held could be weilded in a moving and yet uplifting way. I wanted something fabulous, not upsetting or shocking, just GOOD. And so I went to a book of new acclaim. I Was Told There'd Be Cake by Sloane Crosley. I immediately wanted to read the book thanks to the charming bio of Sloane on the back with the tantalizing line: "She also wrote the cover story for the worst-selling issue of Maxim in that magazine's history."
In the tradition of Sedaris, Crosley is a self-depicting humorist. And although this compilation is witty and quite entertaining I found myself wondering why in the hell I cared about this girls twelve-year-old summer camp experience. I will concede that she writes with a voice refreshingly confident in her ability to paint a laughable picture. Laughable or not I skimmed a lot when I realized I was learning very little of anything vital or important. With some sparkle and flair it still seemed like a lackluster attempt to market her regular upbringing. Do not get me wrong any young woman who can make this book that can make me laugh and has such a striking cover deserves some attention, but this one was not for me and in some parts made me wish I was back to Perlman's whining.

Next up: E. L. Doctrow

And then there was a bit more Glamour (mag)

First and foremost I am loving the song Happiness by Goldfrapp.

Second order of business:

"We must never confuse elegance with snobbery." -Yves, RIP

Three: on my next jaunt... or anyone in the NYC area... visit this store.

La Biblia Lucky Came Today

The Lucky Bible came today and thus I must share some utter joy avec mon amies des internet:

• My New favorito's? Iggy and Lou is an amazing jewelry line from an Australian native who is a master at wielding hand-etched porcelain into shocking and delicate accessories.
• Also a cute boutique in the NYC? I think so! Kirnazabete

And then I read this:

"Clothes aren't going to change the world,

the women who wear them will."
-Anne Klein, 1968

Perspective

There are days like this day that I never want to forget.

I often think that and don't write about them and they fade with time.

So here I will write to remember when my days get easy and comfortable.

I have been so full of emotion I have started to cry a lot today and it has nothing to do with being a girl. I think that I am given lulls in my life because otherwise I would be so overcome by the raw reality my life faces. Maybe I just feel a lot deeper or easier, maybe I am less filtered. I don't know what it is but whenever I am given time and space to take it easy I generally take a deep breath to prepare me for what lats ahead.

What laid ahead:

I was watching a show innocently enough and the main character got cancer and as I watch I relived my mom being sick and it was just an innocent tv show that randomly came on. I was regressed to all of these scary and life altering moments.

Then I went and met a family, the James' that my grandparents got here from Pakistan. I heard what it is like there, (Mr. James was worried about taking a walk in my grandparents neighborhood with out the right papers if the government stopped and asked him for them), they 10 kids between the ages of 30 and 14, they are so humble and full of gratitude. I was helping with the food and this small 60 year old Pakistani woman looked and me in her gorgesou sari and said, "You are a good girl." I felt like it was one of the most sincere things that anyone had ever said to me in my entire life. She meant it and she didn't even know me. Maybe if she had she would have not said it. But I really felt like she meant it and it made me want to be that girl. She spoke broken English but speaking with her about her life I just wanted to hug her and let her know that she was such a superior person. Not even because of her struggles but just the strength that was eminating from her quiet demeanor made me feel so inspired.

After I meet this family and my whole family eats with them someone calls my grandpa and tells him a family friend, someone names Scott Kalitta, a race car driver, has died. No one can believe it and we turn on ESPN2. His car got up to 300mph, caught on fire, and blew up with him in it. As I watched the car become a ball of flames and pictures of his family and his dad Connie, I had to leave.

I have been so inundated by love and gratitude and wonder at life's fragility and blessings I couldn't sit in a room of people and not cry about it. This may sound childish but I am so ridiculously full of love everyday that I want to burst. I am so sick of the judgements of society and the mocking of cultures and class and race. I cannot stand for one more barrier to be made, one more difficulty placed in peoples lives. This sounds so peace love and happiness but there is already so much deterring everyone from happiness, contentment, health, love, why be one more problem for someone when we all have so much in us to give.